I am not small,
I am not quiet,
Nobody has ever called me delicate…
I don’t know how to describe these feelings to people who have never felt this before. It’s the worst part about depression; knowing that you are on a downward spiral, on the verge of hitting rock bottom. Everything starts to fall apart, slowly. Usually it begins with not wanting to wake up. Then I find myself ignoring the clothes I’ve left scattered on my floor, and the heaps of dirty dishes in the sink: I find myself in this moment.
I remember when I was younger and my mom would yell at me to make my bed. It just seemed so illogical to me; Why should I make my bed, when I was just going to mess it up again later? Depression is kind of like that: You just don’t see the point in doing everyday chores, work, etc. because you’re just going to die eventually and nobody is going to care if you didn’t make your bed. You’re convinced that life is pointless. It’s such an empty feeling.
The scariest part is when the desire to communicate with others stops. I become overly introspective. I start thinking about the value of my existence and usually come to the conclusion that it doesn’t have one. I’m just one of 7.5 billion people. If I died today, it wouldn’t be significant.
Work Out of My Day
Do this workout and feel as happy and get as sweaty as me!
4 Mile Run: 2 miles Mid-Pace, 2 Miles Fast-Pace
KettleBell Swings: 15 minutes 8 two handed swings, 8 Single Swings (BOTH SIDES! DUH!), 8 Suitcase Swings (BOTH SIDES! DUH! I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO TELL YOU TWICE)… Continue same set 6, 4, 2 DONE
Circuit! AMRP in 15 minutes!
15 Kettlebell Swings
10 Pull Ups
15 Sit Ups
15 Weighted Front Squats!
(I got through 3 sets)
Random after workout workout:
10 Minutes Jump Rope
3 sets of 20: Bicep Curls
3 sets of 10: Tricep things
I just want to fuck.
I am stressed out and need that amazing orgasm to make the world quiet for a few moments. You know what I’m talking about, I’m sure. The kind of orgasm where your entire body trembles and shivers and goosebumps erupt on every spot not covered by your partners sweaty body. The kind that wipes your memory of everything except for the feeling you are experiencing in that moment.
Today I feel insignificant.
I’m sitting in my bedroom, drinking coffee with a tablespoon of raw cane sugar and just a wee splash of almond milk. I’m surrounded by messiness. Overdue library books sit on my desk to the right of me. None of them have been read fully. Mounds of clean clothing that I folded a week ago, still sit in the big white basket I left them in behind me. My bed is unmade. My life feels the same way: Unmade.
It’s funny how people can do so little, and still we convince ourselves we are important to this world… Deep down, I think we know that none of this really matters. We are significant to few. Most see us as just another face. Just another body. Our society advocates laziness. We are sheep, and we’re always looking for the easy way out. We convince ourselves, and are convinced by others, that we are not smart enough to solve worldly problems like starvation, war, poverty. The reality is that a lot of us have great ideas that will go unknown because no one is listening to us. We don’t have enough accreditation.
I asked my best friend what she wanted to do with her life after college. She answered, “I want to save the world.” I almost laughed in her face. Not because I think it’s stupid or impossible, but because for many people it gets to be too hard. Saving the world takes a lot of effort. Most of the time it means totally dissing the society we live in and convincing others to do the same. You have to really believe in yourself and what you are pushing for. You have to be prepared to fail a lot more than you succeed. You have to be prepared for people to hate you… Anyway to be honest, I think she could save the world if she really tried. In fact, I think a lot of people could save the world. I think that the reason no body does is because we all convince ourselves that it’s impossible.
These are my mumbling thoughts today.
I’ve been going through so many growing phases…
I am 21… Shortly, I will be 22. I have a new job that I am finally settling into… I love every moment I spend as a social worker. It’s addicting. Every time I facilitate a goal being set, or met I feel a sort of satisfaction I’ve never felt before. Every time I am able to give a piece of advice; able to browse through my personal experience and training in order to relate to and understand a clients issues, I feel that the entirety of my life has always had a purpose. My mistakes, my pain, my bad experiences (and good ones!) have all happened to lead me to this point. I’m realizing the importance of introspection.
I’ve decided that my new years resolution is that I want to let go of the desire to please others. Instead I want to advocate, support, become and ally, and help others. I don’t want to put my life on a pedestal anymore; Bragging about my achievements. Complaining about my failures. Crying about the way that others have hurt me. I’m tired of constantly looking for approval of others… I’ve noticed that social networks like Facebook are to partially to blame and I don’t want to be stuck in its web anymore. I’m tired of perusing other peoples profiles: liking selfies, statuses’, etc… I’m tired of wondering when my life will fit the mold…
I’m at a phase in my life where social networks have no value in my life… Obviously with the exception of this blog.